For someone special

There are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real!

 

When the door of happiness closes, another opens; but often times we look so long at the closed door that we don't see the one that has been opened for us.

 

Don't go for looks ; they can deceive. Don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile, because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile.

 

Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do.

 

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, and enough hope to make you happy.

 

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

 

The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches. 

 

When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying. 

 

Don't count the years -- count the memories........... 

 

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take; but by the moments that take our breath away!

Can't think of a title

Like OMFG.

I'm about to do something I've never done in my life or ever thought I would do.

Come to think of it, its something most people WILL NEVER do in their lives.

I'm not sure what is making me go through with it.

Am I a person of my word ?

Is it my adventurous streak ?

Have I become more open to possibilities?

Is it just a bit of fun ?

Am I bored?

Do I have a death wish?

I woke up this morning with a million OMFG's resounding through my head and I had to bury myself under the doona so I wouldn't hyperventilate.

I'm honestly really excited.

Its so wacky and loony and unconventional and I love that I've got the balls to do it.

Not gonna tell you people what's going on though.

I'm not so far gone as to have forgotten how close-minded and how judgemental some people can be.

You'd make an assumption and shake your head at me and I'd feel shit about not being able to live a life like you, and be just like everyone else.

I'm not conventional but why do I have to keep bowing to the ones bequeathed to me by virtue of birth, blood and society.

They tell me you only live once.

So I'm going to.

Some Where Out There

I find it so strange how things are right now.

It feels as if she died.

And in a way, she has.

It isn't easy to find the strength to say goodbye, to let go.

Yet I have to accept its over for good.

I know in my heart it can never and will never be again.

And it just hurts.

To hear an sms or a call and know it will never be her.

To not think about her or what she's doing anymore because it doesn't matter.

To not care or worry about her well-being because its none of your concern.

To never do all the things you used to do with her because she isn't in your life.

To not be able to ask her how her day was because you don't need to know.

To not rant about your shit or look to her for comfort because she doesn't care.

To not love her anymore because there is no point.

To not be able to give a damn because you simply have no right.

Relationships that don't work out seem stupid now.

There is never a guarantee that it will for a myriad of reasons.

Yet we fall into them, over and over again.

Ignoring the prospect of future pain.

Hoping that just because it looks like it and feels like it,

it might actually be 'it' this time.

But I'm naive that way,

I'll never stop believing in possibilities.

It feels weird having to tuck her into my memory-box and seal it shut.

But that's really the only way I can cope right now.

The only way to go on.

That way she will always stay beautiful to me.

Unmarred by the ugliness of what happened,

Untainted by the hurt, confusion and pain,

Untouched by the stranger she has become.

I know she's out there, living and breathing

and laughing and smiling and enjoying her life.

But that person just isn't her,

It simply can't be.

The girl I will always love lives only in my past,

In my watercolour memories,

That's the only place she will ever exist for me,

Because that is the only place she loved me.

And that is all I ever want to remember.

Currently I'm....

Currently I'm....
. feeling a lot more lost than I ever was
. feeling bad for screwing up 
. feeling paranoid over some things which I should never had indulged in
. feeling jealous about things which others could get and that I couldnt
. feeling a little more appreciative towards my parents
. feeling broke as I have to save bout 10k to visit my dreamland by end of this year

. missing her alot
. making amendments to ethics which I should have from the beginning
. quite lazy to layan cept for those who I hold dear within
. thankful to a certain someone for being there
. confuse over petty unnecessary issues which I know it's a waste of time
. not really as hyped up for beer as I was before 

. ranting and bitching alot these days
. getting mood swings easily
. surprisingly loving my life though I'm feeling really lost
. in a state where I crave for more and more attention
. noticing and learning more about myself 
. missing KL

. thankful and I love you heaps!

I'm blessed

With the amount of pricks and childish pussies out there I can safely state that I'm satisfied with the circle of special individuals who truly mean the world to me. Not saying that i'm more mature than most, but I really can't indulge in convos regarding petty matters anymore. It annoys the fuck out of me I swear. But it's never a matter to be pointing fingers at anyone but it just comes naturally I guess. With the age or something.

I remember I myself was behaving as such once upon a time and when I started reminiscing within, it's a wonder I havent tried killing myself yet. Then it hit me that this a phase everyone has to go through and you just have to be patient and hopeful that they'll grow out of it. 

Without these people I'm nothing :

. The K who I would play next to anytime and has taken my shit for a long time

. The ball who is unfortunately not as round as me, nevertheless supportive and a true brother and friend.

. The hobbit who is blunt but cares about me.

. The nerd who has always been loving, loyal and supportive.

. The little bass who's younger but gifted and special in many ways more than me.

. The pei kah in Melbourne who's shared many experiences with me. Good and bad ones.

. The ganja who has taught me unconsciously of how to stand firm in life. 

. The shaboo who loves me but forever scolding me.

. The clown who emoed 2 days back has proven to be entertaining and fun.

Total of 9 people, only a handful which is satisfying enough. QUALITY people I must admit. Not that the others in my life doesn't matter, they do, but they have never gone through as much with me as these 9. 

*bows profanely*

Keep my head high and the possibilities would then be endless.

Tonight i realised a few things:

I don't like feeling like a 3rd wheel
I miss getting trashed and being happy
I miss that someone caring about about me
I miss coming home to someone
I miss someone telling me that they love me
I miss feeling appreciated
I miss someone sharing what i love
I hate coming home to an empty bed
I hate realising that i am alone
I hate how i have to pretend like nothing happened
I hate pretending to not feel the way i feel
I hate knowing that it'll never happen again.
I hate how small this world is.

I...

I AM: not who I want to be.
I WANT: to be good at what I do best.
I WISH: to turn back time.
I HATE: over- enthusiastic/bright/chirpy/annoying people.
I MISS: you when you are not around.
I FEAR: losing what I love.
I HEAR: discreetly conversations around me.
I WONDER: who I will spend the rest of my life with.
I REGRET: not having studied harder.
I AM NOT: the quiet guy people perceive me as.
I DANCE: to trance/house music only. 
I SING: in my head.
I CRY: Never.
I AM NOT ALWAYS: polite or patient.
I MAKE MADE WITH MY HANDS: Stars.
I WRITE: what I fail to express in speech.
I CONFUSE: many people.
I NEED: to be more motivated.
I SHOULD: start saving.
I START: all hyped up about something.
I FINISH: having felt I must have lost something along the way.
I LOVE: being in love.
I REMEMBER: both the happy and sad things.

Smile

 - I hate - 

 - to see - 

 - the one - 

 - I love - 

 - happy with -

 - somebody but -

 - I surely - 

 - hate it - 

 - more to - 

 - see the - 

 - one I - 

 - love unhappy - 

 - with me - 

Wanting is who you are

“Wanting is knowledge. Someone asks us what we want and we say, Oh, I don’t know. I don’t know what I want. But the truth is we do! We do know what we want! It’s just (isn’t it?) that what we want isn’t the thing we ought to want or want to want or are supposed to want or think we want. It’s what we want. It’s the potato we want in a store full of ripe oranges. It’s the comic book on a shelf full of Shakespeare — and why are we supposed to not want that? Because wanting is the deepest story of who we are; wanting is who we are more than getting. Getting can be fate or accident: You wanted to be an actress but were forced to be a stenographer because that was what was available. Getting can be an accident for which we are not responsible. Getting can be circumstance. But wanting is pure. Wanting is who you are.”

To be joyed

emptiness

loneliness

hurt

whatever negative feelings you can ever feel

im feeling it all

maybe i should look on the bright side. after all its only a birthday

what else can i ask for.

all those that give a damn wished me

all those that dont, didnt bother

fuck me, it does hurt

one of the few days that i long for in a year

crushed me so hard

foolish?

maybe

its just a day after all

happy fucking birthday Joshua Phan