As usual, alot have been on my mind lately. Think i have to come to terms that i can't stop thinking bout little things in detail. I do have the tendency to reminisce a bit too much and blow everything out of proportion. Things that are bad i could always find a significant good in them. But it does comes with a price when the opposite hits where i could also find everything which are ugly bout a certain blessing.
Paranoia fills me everytime when something which i believe is great happens. I'm one who never had what it takes to deserve such good things in life. Whenever i'm that close, things would always have a way of their own to wreck the entire situation. No, never once have i tasted greatness. Is there such a thing even? I doubt it so much especially when i know i can be easily satisfied. Yet i'm never with my own achievements. Ironic isn't it? Am i contradicting everything? Or what i truly believed in has been all a long a lie?
I know its difficult to accommodate my kind of personality and it does take great patience to sit down and try to understand me fully. From the surface, alot may realize that i have an easy going character within, that it doesn't take much to read me. Yes i am like that from the outside and it is part of me. But what about inside? I'm not proud to say that i'm a little on the disturbed side. Freaks the hell out of me even to say the least.
If i can't stand to see that in myself how can someone from the outside accept such characteristics? I know for one i'm not alone here. That there are some out there who has the same troubling personality. How can i ever share that out in the open and be free?... I really need someone to comprehend and understand what i'm going through inside every single day. Call me weak, but i just can't seem to do this on my own. It's been there every since i've learn to think for myself.
It would certainly be an eye opener and relief if someone would take their time and just listen carefully on what i may not be willing to share. A battle with myself that's for sure. Ok i admit, i'm lost... I've been lost ever since the day i gave him up. But then again, i'm not willing to forsake everything that currently makes up JP of just to fill that emptiness. No... not just yet. The music is always playing which means he who is the prince of this world is still dancing.... and i've been taken for that smooth ride... and enjoying it.
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Song of the week
Natasha Bedinglfield - pocket full of sunshine
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