⇒ † My world behind the lens™ † ⇐

Relink

2009-09-02T01:48:00.000-07:00

will be blogging at JoshuaPhan.com

Choose life

2009-06-15T02:48:00.001-07:00

Circles

2009-05-26T09:16:00.000-07:00

This chapter is over

He's not coming home

Her heart in her throat

She falls to the floor

She shuns every memory

Every letter and call

Just to get through each second

She is slowly shutting off

Where is her sweet revenge

Who will she blame

Where is her freedom now

How can she reclaim it

He wipes the sweat from her face

As she moans in pain

A tiny and helpless life

Comes as if to say

Here is your sweetest gift

Take this moment it is safe

Its true pure and beautiful

In return for all of your pain

Eyes wide and heart warm

She sees him in her face

If you watch the way the world gives back

In circles you will trace

Familiar much?

song of the week

Just Cuz

2009-05-21T22:17:00.000-07:00

With every noise, my heart beats faster

Is it fear or horrific imagination?

Is it wrong to want to believe?

To believe that things can be good?

But, I can't.

Cuz, when everything seems to look bright again,

God slaps you in the face to remind you that

it isn't.

Liz

A lil something done by a friend.

To me, it's Lovely

It reminds me of something.

My past, and things happen in these few years.

I cant believe I'm actually 21,

I cant believe I've change my lifestyle for months now.

I cant believe my dad and mom is actually, getting older and older, day by day.

I cant believe someone who was used to be so close to me, had become a stranger to me.

Memories flying back.

I realize, I used to choose to delete things that I doesn't want to remember of. But these memories wasn't delete of as what I thought, it just hiding somewhere in a safe box inside my brain, where it wont appear automatically if I did not open the safe box.

I realize, time flies.

And I miss you.

Choosing

2009-05-18T00:40:00.000-07:00

When you're down and you try and reach for the sky
And you sit down and wonder why oh why
Do you sit back and let those bad feelings hurt from within
Or do you do something about it, so you feel comfortable in your own skin
What you decide to do, is entirely your choice
You can sit back in silence, or you can let others hear your voice
You can't go through life, being scared and afraid
There are all types of decisions that have to be made
If you make the first move, you're halfway there
The world is for living, you just have to choose to care.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Song of the week

Britney Spears - Unusual You

Time for a change don't you think?

2009-05-11T13:11:00.000-07:00

As usual, alot have been on my mind lately. Think i have to come to terms that i can't stop thinking bout little things in detail. I do have the tendency to reminisce a bit too much and blow everything out of proportion. Things that are bad i could always find a significant good in them. But it does comes with a price when the opposite hits where i could also find everything which are ugly bout a certain blessing.

Paranoia fills me everytime when something which i believe is great happens. I'm one who never had what it takes to deserve such good things in life. Whenever i'm that close, things would always have a way of their own to wreck the entire situation. No, never once have i tasted greatness. Is there such a thing even? I doubt it so much especially when i know i can be easily satisfied. Yet i'm never with my own achievements. Ironic isn't it? Am i contradicting everything? Or what i truly believed in has been all a long a lie?

I know its difficult to accommodate my kind of personality and it does take great patience to sit down and try to understand me fully. From the surface, alot may realize that i have an easy going character within, that it doesn't take much to read me. Yes i am like that from the outside and it is part of me. But what about inside? I'm not proud to say that i'm a little on the disturbed side. Freaks the hell out of me even to say the least.

If i can't stand to see that in myself how can someone from the outside accept such characteristics? I know for one i'm not alone here. That there are some out there who has the same troubling personality. How can i ever share that out in the open and be free?... I really need someone to comprehend and understand what i'm going through inside every single day. Call me weak, but i just can't seem to do this on my own. It's been there every since i've learn to think for myself.

It would certainly be an eye opener and relief if someone would take their time and just listen carefully on what i may not be willing to share. A battle with myself that's for sure. Ok i admit, i'm lost... I've been lost ever since the day i gave him up. But then again, i'm not willing to forsake everything that currently makes up JP of just to fill that emptiness. No... not just yet. The music is always playing which means he who is the prince of this world is still dancing.... and i've been taken for that smooth ride... and enjoying it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Song of the week

Natasha Bedinglfield - pocket full of sunshine

Best i ever had

2009-05-07T07:26:00.000-07:00

went out today, had sushi king with someone special.

Unagi is da bomb.

came home and decided to watch passenger.

a anne hathaway movie.

check out that movie, its nice.

anyway. towards the end of the movie.

*spoiler alert*, anne was on a plane and it was about to crash.

everyone panicked.

there was this girl, she sat there clamly, tears started to form.

she then put on her ear piece and listen to her favorite song.

she just sat there.

my hero

all that got me thinking.

if i were in her suituation,

will i be able to react like her?

and listen to that one song before i die.

what song could it be?

i turn on my itunes and look at my list.

i found this one song, the song that i used to like.

regardless of whether i was in/out of love.

Vertical Horizon - Best I Ever Had

i guess that song will be the song that i'll listen to a minute before i die.

and Goo Goo Dolls - Iris

if i get another minute.lol

anyway, heres the video.

Vertical Horizon - Best I Ever Had

So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring

Nothing's quite the same now
I just say your name now

Chorus
But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't want me back
You're just the best I ever had

So you stole my world
Now I'm just a phony
Remembering the girl
Leaves me down and lonely

Send it in a letter
Make yourself feel better

Chorus
But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't need me back
You're just the best I ever had

And it may take some time to
Patch me up inside
But I can't take it so i
Run away and hide
And I may find in time that
You were always right
You're always right

So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring

What was it you wanted
Could it be I'm haunted

Chorus
But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
I don't want you back
You're just the best I ever had
The best I ever had
The best I ever

Time for an update.

2009-05-03T11:45:00.000-07:00

Stole this from gavin.

A lil update in my life, some was done a few days ago.

Put an 'X' in the brackets for the ones you HAVE done.

Level 1

(x) Smoked A Cigarette

(x) Smoked A Cigar

(x) Kissed A Member Of The Same Sex

(x) Drank Alcohol

SO FAR: 4

Level 2

(x) Are/Been In Love

(x) Been Dumped

(x) Shoplifted

(x) Been In A Fist Fight

SO FAR: 8

Level 4

(x) Had A Crush On An Older Person

(x) Skipped School

(x) Slept With A Co-worker

(x) Seen Someone/Something Die

SO FAR: 12

Level 5

(x) Had/Have A Crush On One Of Your Facebook Friends

(x) Been To Paris

( ) Been To Spain

(x) Been On A Plane

(x) Thrown Up From Drinking

SO FAR: 16

Level 6

(x) Eaten Sushi

(x) Been Snowboarding

(x) Met Someone BECAUSE Of Facebook

( ) Been in a Mosh Pit

SO FAR: 19

Level 7

(x) Been In An Abusive Relationship

(x) Taken Pain Killers

(x) Love/loved Someone Who You Cant Have

(x) Laid On Your Back And Watched Cloud Shapes Go By

(x) Made A Snow Angel

SO FAR: 25

Level 8

( ) Had A Tea Party

(x) Flown A Kite

(x) Built A Sand Castle

(x) Gone mudding (offroading)

(x) Played Dress Up

SO FAR: 29

Level 9

(x) Jumped Into A Pile Of Leaves

(x) Gone Sledging

(x) Cheated While Playing A Game

(x) Been Lonely

(x) Fallen Asleep At Work/School

SO FAR: 34

Level 10

(x) Watched The Sun Set

( ) Felt An Earthquake

( ) Killed A Snake

SO FAR: 35

Level 11

(x) Been Tickled

(x) Been Robbed / Vandalized

(x) Been cheated on

(x) Been Misunderstood

SO FAR: 39

Level 12

(x) Won A Contest

(x) Been Suspended From School

(x) Had Detention

(x) Been In A Car/Motorcycle Accident

SO FAR: 43

Level 13

( ) Had/Have Braces

( ) Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night( i am fat yet i havnt try that yet)

(x) Danced in the moonlight

SO FAR: 44

Level 14

(x) Hated The Way You Look

(x) Witnessed A Crime

( ) Pole Danced

(x) Questioned Your Heart

( ) Been obsessed with post-it-notes

SO FAR: 47

Level 15

(x) Squished Barefoot Through The Mud

(x) Been Lost

(x) Been To The Opposite Side Of The World

(x) Swam In The Ocean

(x) Felt Like You Were Dying

SO FAR: 52

Level 16

(x) Cried Yourself To Sleep

(x) Played Cops And Robbers

(x) Recently Colored With Crayons/Colored Pencils/Markers

(x) Sang Karaoke

(x) Paid For A Meal With Only Coins ( back in school. good times. best of all, those coins wasnt mine. LOL)

SO FAR: 57

Level 17

(x) Done Something You Told Yourself You Wouldn't

(x) Made Prank Phone Calls

(x) Laughed Until Some Kind Of Beverage Came Out Of Your Nose

(x) Kissed In The Rain

SO FAR: 62

Level 18

( ) Written A Letter To Santa Claus

(x) Watched The Sun Set/sun rise With Someone You Care/Cared About

(x) Blown Bubbles

(x) Made A Bonfire On The Beach or anywhere

SO FAR: 65

Level 19

( ) Crashed A Party

( ) Have Traveled More Than 5 Days With A Car Full Of People

(x) Gone Rollerskating / Blading

(x) Had A Wish Come True

( ) Been Humped By A Monkey (WTF)

SO FAR: 67

Level 20

( ) Worn Pearls (guessing it means real pearls?)

(x) Jumped Off A Bridge

(x) Screamed "Penis" or "Vagina"

( ) Swam With Dolphins..

SO FAR: 69

Level 22

(x) Got Your Tongue Stuck To A Pole/Freezer/ice Cube

( ) Kissed A Fish

(x) Worn The Opposite Sex's Clothes

(x) Sat On A Roof Top

SO FAR: 72

Level 23

(x) Screamed At The Top Of Your Lungs

(x) Done / Attempted A One-Handed Cartwheel

(x) Talked On The Phone For More Than 6 Hours

(x) Recently stayed Up for a while talking to someone you care about

SO FAR: 76

Level 24

( ) Picked And Ate An Apple Right Off The Tree ( only rambutans)

(x) Climbed A Tree

(x) Had/Been In A Tree House

(x) Been scared To Watch Scary Movies Alone

SO FAR: 79

Level 25

(x) Believed In Ghosts

( ) Have had More Then 30 Pairs Of Shoes

( ) Gone Streaking

( ) Visited someone in Jail

SO FAR: 80

Level 26

(x) Played Chicken

(x) Been Pushed into a pool with all your clothes on

(x) Been Told You're Hot By A Complete Stranger

(x) Broken A Bone

(x) Been Easily Amused

SO FAR: 85

Level 27

( ) Caught A Fish Then Ate It Later ( never in my life i've fished)

( ) Made A Porn Video/got asked to make one

(x) Caught A Butterfly

(x) Laughed So Hard You Cried

(x) Cried So Hard You Laughed (my laugh for this one is usually quite insane)

SO FAR: 88

Level 28

(x) Mooned/Flashed Someone

(x) Had Someone Moon/Flash You

(x) Cheated On A Test

(x) Forgotten Someone's Name

(x) Gone Skinny Dipping

(x) Been Kicked Out Of Your House

(x) Tried to hurt yourself

SO FAR: 95

Level 29

(x) Rode A Roller Coaster

(x) Went Scuba-Diving/Snorkeling

( ) Had A Cavity

(x) Black-Mailed Someone

(x) Been Black Mailed

SO FAR: 99

Level 31

(x) Been Used

(x) Fell Going Up The Stairs

( ) Licked A Cat (what?)

(x) Bitten Someone

(x) Licked Someone

SO FAR: 103

Level 32

( ) Been shot at/or at gunpoint ( i really wanna experience this )

( ) Had sex in the rain

(x) Flattened someones tires

(x) Rode your car/truck until the gas light came on

(x) Got five dollars or less worth of gas

Total: 106

Scars

2009-05-02T00:13:00.000-07:00

One month ago was my BIG 21,

nothing much has happened.

Still pursuing my dreams,

finger crossed.

Stumble upon a rock band that I used to like back in the days.

They produce great song,

making me wanna take back guitar

oh, in case yall didnt know. Im a music freak.

I can play the piano, guitar and I even took violin once.

I can play a little drum and bass too

Hey Mr.DJ

WAD UP!

Scars by Papa Roach

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut

My weakness is that I care too much

And my scars remind me that the past is real

I tear my heart open just to feel

Drunk and I'm feeling down

And I just wanna be alone

I'm pissed cause you came around

Why don't you just go home

Cause you channel all your pain

And I can't help you fix yourself

You're making me insane

All I can say is

[Chorus:]

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut

My weakness is that I care too much

And our scars remind us that the past is real

I tear my heart open just to feel

I tried to help you once

Against my own advice

I saw you going down

But you never realized

That you're drowning in the water

So I offered you my hand

Compassions in my nature

Tonight is our last stand

[Chorus]

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down

And I just wanna be alone

You shouldn't ever come around

Why don't you just go home?

Cause you're drowning in the water

And I tried to grab your hand

And I left my heart open

But you didn't understand

Go fix yourself

I can't help you fix yourself

But at least I can say I tried

I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

I can't help you fix yourself

But at least I can say I tried

I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

[Chorus x2]

For someone special

2009-04-25T11:35:00.000-07:00

There are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real!

When the door of happiness closes, another opens; but often times we look so long at the closed door that we don't see the one that has been opened for us.

Don't go for looks ; they can deceive. Don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile, because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile.

Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do.

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, and enough hope to make you happy.

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

Don't count the years -- count the memories...........

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take; but by the moments that take our breath away!

Can't think of a title

2009-04-22T03:12:00.001-07:00

Like OMFG.

I'm about to do something I've never done in my life or ever thought I would do.

Come to think of it, its something most people WILL NEVER do in their lives.

I'm not sure what is making me go through with it.

Am I a person of my word ?

Is it my adventurous streak ?

Have I become more open to possibilities?

Is it just a bit of fun ?

Am I bored?

Do I have a death wish?

I woke up this morning with a million OMFG's resounding through my head and I had to bury myself under the doona so I wouldn't hyperventilate.

I'm honestly really excited.

Its so wacky and loony and unconventional and I love that I've got the balls to do it.

Not gonna tell you people what's going on though.

I'm not so far gone as to have forgotten how close-minded and how judgemental some people can be.

You'd make an assumption and shake your head at me and I'd feel shit about not being able to live a life like you, and be just like everyone else.

I'm not conventional but why do I have to keep bowing to the ones bequeathed to me by virtue of birth, blood and society.

They tell me you only live once.

So I'm going to.

Some Where Out There

2009-04-19T12:59:00.000-07:00

I find it so strange how things are right now.

It feels as if she died.

And in a way, she has.

It isn't easy to find the strength to say goodbye, to let go.

Yet I have to accept its over for good.

I know in my heart it can never and will never be again.

And it just hurts.

To hear an sms or a call and know it will never be her.

To not think about her or what she's doing anymore because it doesn't matter.

To not care or worry about her well-being because its none of your concern.

To never do all the things you used to do with her because she isn't in your life.

To not be able to ask her how her day was because you don't need to know.

To not rant about your shit or look to her for comfort because she doesn't care.

To not love her anymore because there is no point.

To not be able to give a damn because you simply have no right.

Relationships that don't work out seem stupid now.

There is never a guarantee that it will for a myriad of reasons.

Yet we fall into them, over and over again.

Ignoring the prospect of future pain.

Hoping that just because it looks like it and feels like it,

it might actually be 'it' this time.

But I'm naive that way,

I'll never stop believing in possibilities.

It feels weird having to tuck her into my memory-box and seal it shut.

But that's really the only way I can cope right now.

The only way to go on.

That way she will always stay beautiful to me.

Unmarred by the ugliness of what happened,

Untainted by the hurt, confusion and pain,

Untouched by the stranger she has become.

I know she's out there, living and breathing

and laughing and smiling and enjoying her life.

But that person just isn't her,

It simply can't be.

The girl I will always love lives only in my past,

In my watercolour memories,

That's the only place she will ever exist for me,

Because that is the only place she loved me.

And that is all I ever want to remember.

Currently I'm....

2009-04-18T05:42:00.000-07:00

Currently I'm....
. feeling a lot more lost than I ever was
. feeling bad for screwing up
. feeling paranoid over some things which I should never had indulged in
. feeling jealous about things which others could get and that I couldnt
. feeling a little more appreciative towards my parents
. feeling broke as I have to save bout 10k to visit my dreamland by end of this year

. missing her alot
. making amendments to ethics which I should have from the beginning
. quite lazy to layan cept for those who I hold dear within
. thankful to a certain someone for being there
. confuse over petty unnecessary issues which I know it's a waste of time
. not really as hyped up for beer as I was before

. ranting and bitching alot these days
. getting mood swings easily
. surprisingly loving my life though I'm feeling really lost
. in a state where I crave for more and more attention
. noticing and learning more about myself
. missing KL

. thankful and I love you heaps!

I'm blessed

2009-04-15T12:43:00.000-07:00

With the amount of pricks and childish pussies out there I can safely state that I'm satisfied with the circle of special individuals who truly mean the world to me. Not saying that i'm more mature than most, but I really can't indulge in convos regarding petty matters anymore. It annoys the fuck out of me I swear. But it's never a matter to be pointing fingers at anyone but it just comes naturally I guess. With the age or something.

I remember I myself was behaving as such once upon a time and when I started reminiscing within, it's a wonder I havent tried killing myself yet. Then it hit me that this a phase everyone has to go through and you just have to be patient and hopeful that they'll grow out of it.

Without these people I'm nothing :

. The K who I would play next to anytime and has taken my shit for a long time

. The ball who is unfortunately not as round as me, nevertheless supportive and a true brother and friend.

. The hobbit who is blunt but cares about me.

. The nerd who has always been loving, loyal and supportive.

. The little bass who's younger but gifted and special in many ways more than me.

. The pei kah in Melbourne who's shared many experiences with me. Good and bad ones.

. The ganja who has taught me unconsciously of how to stand firm in life.

. The shaboo who loves me but forever scolding me.

. The clown who emoed 2 days back has proven to be entertaining and fun.

Total of 9 people, only a handful which is satisfying enough. QUALITY people I must admit. Not that the others in my life doesn't matter, they do, but they have never gone through as much with me as these 9.

*bows profanely*

Keep my head high and the possibilities would then be endless.

Tonight i realised a few things:

2009-04-14T22:10:00.001-07:00

I don't like feeling like a 3rd wheel
I miss getting trashed and being happy
I miss that someone caring about about me
I miss coming home to someone
I miss someone telling me that they love me
I miss feeling appreciated
I miss someone sharing what i love
I hate coming home to an empty bed
I hate realising that i am alone
I hate how i have to pretend like nothing happened
I hate pretending to not feel the way i feel
I hate knowing that it'll never happen again.
I hate how small this world is.

I...

2009-04-13T00:36:00.000-07:00

I AM: not who I want to be.
I WANT: to be good at what I do best.
I WISH: to turn back time.
I HATE: over- enthusiastic/bright/chirpy/annoying people.
I MISS: you when you are not around.
I FEAR: losing what I love.
I HEAR: discreetly conversations around me.
I WONDER: who I will spend the rest of my life with.
I REGRET: not having studied harder.
I AM NOT: the quiet guy people perceive me as.
I DANCE: to trance/house music only.
I SING: in my head.
I CRY: Never.
I AM NOT ALWAYS: polite or patient.
I ~~MAKE~~ MADE WITH MY HANDS: Stars.
I WRITE: what I fail to express in speech.
I CONFUSE: many people.
I NEED: to be more motivated.
I SHOULD: start saving.
I START: all hyped up about something.
I FINISH: having felt I must have lost something along the way.
I LOVE: being in love.
I REMEMBER: both the happy and sad things.

Smile

2009-04-08T07:32:00.001-07:00

- I hate -

- to see -

- the one -

- I love -

- happy with -

- somebody but -

- I surely -

- hate it -

- more to -

- see the -

- one I -

- love unhappy -

- with me -

Wanting is who you are

2009-04-04T08:19:00.000-07:00

“Wanting is knowledge. Someone asks us what we want and we say, Oh, I don’t know. I don’t know what I want. But the truth is we do! We do know what we want! It’s just (isn’t it?) that what we want isn’t the thing we ought to want or want to want or are supposed to want or think we want. It’s what we want. It’s the potato we want in a store full of ripe oranges. It’s the comic book on a shelf full of Shakespeare — and why are we supposed to not want that? Because wanting is the deepest story of who we are; wanting is who we are more than getting. Getting can be fate or accident: You wanted to be an actress but were forced to be a stenographer because that was what was available. Getting can be an accident for which we are not responsible. Getting can be circumstance. But wanting is pure. Wanting is who you are.”

To be joyed

2009-04-01T09:48:00.000-07:00

emptiness

loneliness

hurt

whatever negative feelings you can ever feel

im feeling it all

maybe i should look on the bright side. after all its only a birthday

what else can i ask for.

all those that give a damn wished me

all those that dont, didnt bother

fuck me, it does hurt

one of the few days that i long for in a year

crushed me so hard

foolish?

maybe

its just a day after all

happy fucking birthday Joshua Phan

Just Perfect

2009-03-30T09:33:00.000-07:00

Priscilla Ahn - Dream

I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me.
I played pretend between the trees, and fed my houseguests bark and leaves, and laughed in my pretty bed of green.

I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest swing.
I had a dream.

Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I'm supposed to be.
The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep.

I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest tree.
I had a dream.

Now I'm old and feeling grey. I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave.
I lived it full and I lived it well, there's many tales I've lived to tell. I'm ready now, I'm ready now, I'm ready now to fly from the highest wing.

I had a dream

Stay With Me

2009-03-29T02:33:00.000-07:00

Stay with me

You couldn't leave me here

Wait for me

I don't wanna say goodbye

I wonder what it would be

If you were leaving me

O...oh...oh...oh

To me

You're so sweet

Give me

Your loving

you are the only one

You're the air that makes me breathe

In the air so I can breathe

Try to come and feel me

Hold me and touch me

My love

Stay with me

5 days?

2009-03-28T10:08:00.000-07:00

Just a few more days till I turn 21.

Happy Birthday to me

Lets see if you'll wish me on your blog.

Am I sitting high enough?

2009-03-27T12:07:00.000-07:00

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and

do nothing?"

"Sure, why not," replied the eagle. So, the rabbit sat on the ground

below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on

the rabbit, and ate it.

Moral :

TO BE SITTING AND DOING NOTHING, YOU MUST BE SITTING VERY, VERY HIGH UP.

Migraine

2009-03-26T00:53:00.000-07:00

When you have a migraine, nothing’s quite real. There’s no such thing as solid - as reliable. You step forward, heading for the door. Lights flash. You reach out, searching for stability. Your head pounds – some hellish hammer beating a cruel tattoo. Lights clear. The doorway’s not where it was. It never is. Recklessly letting go of the cupboard, you walk. Still half blind, you make it through the doorway.

When plagued by a migraine, memory’s your saviour. People talk about God; about their saviour. Your saviour is memory. You may be dazed, dizzied, and half-blind - but you have your memory. You know as you stumble down the hallway, desperate for pain relief, that it’s 13 steps. There’s a bookshelf on the left - 5 steps from my bedroom. A doorway 3 steps after that – on the right. And so you stumble, from support to hazy support, towards the medicine cupboard. Lights flash. Lights clear. You lurch onwards.

When a migraine clears, the ordeal’s not over. You’re free of the lights; the dizzied consciousness and confused balance. Free of the haze though? I think not! You’re tired of light, and you can’t think. You go to sleep for eleven hours straight - quite a feat for an insomniac. You wake up, and it’s over. The whole damn thing’s over. But you’re not happy, because you know another one’s coming. If not now, then soon. In a week – a month if you’re lucky. You dread it. You fear it. You wait.

Happy Birthday

2009-03-17T07:27:00.000-07:00

Happy Happy Birthday

Wish you all the best.

Teddies don’t hug back

2009-03-16T03:27:00.000-07:00

As I lay in bed at night, the tempting presence of sweet dreams hovering just out of my reach, I cannot help but think of you.
I have become so used to this nightly routine of insomnia and fantasy- well, maybe it is wishing- that I can effortlessly conjure a perfect image of your face behind my closed eyelids. I can feel your hands at my hips, your fingers tracing along my spine, your lips pressed against mine. I can feel your arms around me, pulling me closer until I could just melt away and become a part of you.
Then some noise- the creak of a stair, the slam of a door, maybe the washer changing cycles- brings me back to reality, cuddling a teddy bear in my cold, dark bedroom.
“Teddies don’t hug back, but sometimes they’re all you’ve got.”
So I guess my stuffed friend will just have to keep me company until I am back in your arms.

oro

2009-03-14T10:43:00.000-07:00

Something happened.

Bad.

Sad.

No mood to blog.

My Name

2009-03-01T05:56:00.000-08:00

Found this in my old blog.

Let me share a story that a friend once told me ... "I walked on the streets of Kowloon during winter every night. Met up with rascals in front of Hang Seng Bank @ Golden France. I was always wearing my Adidas Boxing Winter Collection. Those shoes were as high as boots....And me and my drugs could walk along each other, tucking 'round my long socks.
People who needed e or e that needed people will find each other through me. No matter how big nor how many signs of NO DRUGS or KETAMINE KILLS U!!! However those signs seem to have a meaning of the other way round. The more u see it, the more u want it.
On the streets of Causeway Bay, was my home. We had arcades to take care of and to worship.
I did all the worst things in the world.. Have tattoos all over my body.... I worshiped the demons before.. and now that I've found the truth. And the truth has set me free... Jesus Christ is my personal saviour. Jesus is music too..."

Go into all the world and preach the gospel to every creature (divers). He who believes and is baptized will be saved; but he who does not believe will be condemned. And these signs will follow those who believe : In My name they will cast out demons ; they will speak with new tongues ; they will take up serpents ; and if they drink anything deadly, it will by no means hurt them ; they will lay hands on the sick, and they will recover.
MARK 16 : 15 - 20

我的錯

2009-02-15T09:42:00.000-08:00

I don't know when the world got so twisted.
Everything got turned upside down.
But something tells me the whole thing was my fault.
Everyone keeps telling me I need to change.
Something needs to get better.
But no one will tell me what it is.
Somehow everytime the world gets further out of control.
I've done something else against the rules.
Broken another hidden code that no one told me about.
Just by being in the certain place I happen to be in.
I've gone wrong, gone astray.
Fallen short of someone's expectations.
And with that I've lost a lot of expectations for myself.
In a world so screwed up it's just easier to not care.
To forget that I was ever supposed to be something.
I was never meant to be someone worth being.
And these thoughts are only further brought to light.
Everytime someone reminds me that I'm doing it wrong.
I'm always doing it wrong.
Even when I don't know what it is.
Everyone's always teaching me backwards.
Watching me do everything without thinking about it.
Then telling me how much I've screwed it up.
But I didn't even know I was doing it.
So everyday I'm further reminded that I've failed.
At something I don't remember trying to do.
And by failing at it all, I've failed at life.
Because now the world is broken, and it's my fault somehow.
They all know I broke it.
Eventhough I don't remember doing it.

我很想有個人陪

2009-02-05T09:17:00.000-08:00

Is There A Dragonfly On Your Shoulder?

There were two sweethearts in a quiet and beautiful small town. They went to the beach for sunrise and sunset every day. Every passer-by envied them two very much.

But one day, in a car accident, the girl got hurt very seriously. She was lying in bed in a hospital and still never came to life after quite a few days. In the daytime, the boy was calling his sweetheart who was unconscious all the time at her bedside; at night, he ran to the church in the small town and prayed to God. His tears had run dry.

A month passed, the girl was still unconscious .The boy became very languish, but he still continued his calling and prayer. Finally one day, God was moved by him. So He decided to make an exception for him. God asked him: "Are you willing to trade it with your life?" The boy answered without any hesitation: "I am!" God said: "Ok, then I could let her come to life as soon as possible, but you have to become a dragonfly for three years, will you?" The boy was still very determined: "I will!"

At dawn, the boy became a beautiful dragonfly. He said goodbye to God and flew to the hospital quickly. The girl really regained consciousness and talked with a doctor next to her, but the dragonfly could hear nothing.

A few days later, the girl recovered and went out of the hospital. But she was unhappy. She seeked news about the boy everywhere. But no one knew where he was. She sought him every day. But actually the dragonfly that was just the boy flew around her every time everywhere, though he couldn't whisper her name or hug her. He had to bear her turning a blind eye to him alone. The summer was gone and the wind of the fall blew off the leaves. The dragonfly had to leave. So he landed on the girl's shoulder for the last time. He wanted to fondle her face with his wings and kiss her forehead with his small mouth, but he was too small for her to notice.

How time flied. The spring came again. The dragonfly couldn't wait to fly back to his sweetheart. But he saw a tall and handsome young man standing beside her this time. At that very moment, the dragonfly almost fell from the air. People talked about how serious the girl hurt in the accident, and how sweet and kind the doctor was, and how reasonable their love was. Of course they also said the girl was happy again as before.

The dragonfly was very sad. And in the following days, he often saw the man taking his own sweetheart to see the sunrise and sunset together on the beach. But he could do nothing except stopping on her shoulder occasionally.

It seemed that this summer was extremely long. The dragonfly flew around with his broken heart every day. He had no courage to approach his sweetheart. He felt suffocated when he heard their whisper and laughter.

In the third summer, the dragonfly didn't fly to see his sweetheart that often any more. She was cuddled by the doctor, and her face was kissed by him. She had no time to pay attention to a sad dragonfly and she was in no mood to look back on the days with her previous sweetheart.

The deadline of the promise that the dragonfly made to God was nearing fast. On the last day of the third year, the dragonfly's sweetheart married the doctor.

The dragonfly flew to the church quietly, and settled on the shoulder of God. He heard them vow to God: "I do!" He saw the doctor putting the ring on the finger of his sweetheart, and them kissing sweetly. Tears full of sorrow fell from the dragonfly's eyes.

God sighed: "Do you regret?" The dragonfly wiped his tears and said: "Never!" God felt happy about that and said: "Then, you can become yourself a man tomorrow." The dragonfly shook his head and said: "No, thanks. Just let me be a dragonfly forever and ever..."

Sometimes, it is your destiny that you have to lose someone. Sometimes there won't be a good ending for you and somebody. To love someone is not to own her, but if you have her, you should cherish her forever.
Is there a dragonfly on your shoulder?

ShinyDragonfly

Lunar New Year

2009-01-25T12:50:00.000-08:00

Waiting for the clock to tick really pisses me off.
Currently sitting at home wasting my time waiting for the new year. In the past, I would've dressed up in pretty clothes and out clubbing/counting down.
But this year, I am stuck at home. For no obvious reasons, just didnt wanna go out.
I am getting old.

And it got me thinking. I didnt make a New year resolutions. Why not make one now.
Something simple,
Make time for travel.

I am turning 21 this year. It is a legal age in my country. Which means I am forced to Vote. Something that I dont give two fucks about. Yeah, sue me.
And many more shits that I cant be fucked to talk about.

Back to topic. This year I wanna travel to as many places as I can. To see the damn world.
I am planning to go to Bora Bora to celebrate my birthday.
Fingers cross.
Hope I can achieve it and make my last post look like shit.

Anyhoo, Happy Lunar New Year.
May the new year brings you Prosperity, Wealth and Good Health.
Yeah, Fuck off.

Gong Hei Fatt Choy!!!

The Last day of 2008

2008-12-31T12:48:00.000-08:00

The 31stDec08', the last day of the year.
What have you done in this whole year?

Me?

Basically, nothing.
Haha.

Things come and go.
Quite alot happened too...yet everything is over.
It's really, time for a real change.

New year resolutions?
Nope, cause I've never successfully achieve it anyway.

Good luck in everything
Make the last day in 2008, a memorable one. :)

Wish everyone, a very Happy New Year 2009.

Sarcasm

2008-11-02T03:10:00.000-08:00

I've realised that the reason I don't blog much is that I'm too busy living life to write about it.

It's not like I have the time to sit down and hey you know what i gotta run.

My love my life

2008-09-16T08:54:00.000-07:00

deep down i bet she thinks i look at other girls and want them more
deep down i think she looks much better than that
but that's not the point
she turns me on

more than a sweet young thing
more than a classmate with a short skirt
more than a "Hai....my name is..." in a Friendster post
more than anything she can ever imagine

i may be growing old but there's one thing that always on my mind
she permeates every thought and dream
much more than she can ever imagine
i see her in the morning and my waking hours
and vespertine activities and incoherent thoughts
she's my everything

and i wanna marry her

no matter if she doesn't look like any notion of commercialized beauty
no matter if my friends tell me others are better
i have never found anyone else more perfect
more patient with the me becoming me
more loving with every touch, every stroke
every kiss

that's the way she loves me

Dawn

2008-09-14T14:48:00.001-07:00

My life circle is complete.

My youth and all that I have lived for has come to a silent end.

My journey like the orbit of the earth around the sun, shall continue to revolve.

Till the end of my time I will strive to make better of myself. In a world so unforgiving, uncaring and utterly void of peace.

I realise sometimes its what you make of the world that shapes your own, I didn't want mine to be that way, nor could i possible comprehend why it is now.

I am my own person as much as the stranger next to me. My life, is just passing through.

To go head strong into a world that will eat you alive, to bury my fears and face my demons, to brandish this sword, tempered with knowledge and sealed by the hammer of wisdom through the forging fires of passion and dreams. I wear my leather vest , feeling the soothing touch of what little experience surround me. Here with my wooden shield made of memories i stand before the devils inferno.

Such a heroic journey in the mind of a simpleton.

Will i make it back alive and live happily ever after with the one i truly love?

Once upon a time, I might have.

Care

2008-09-09T13:44:00.000-07:00

I don't care,
If life isn't fair,
If you're standing there,
Giving me that cold stare.

I don't care at all,
If you're thin or tall,
If you're fat like a ball,
Whining about how you're small.

I can't be bothered,
If i was murdered,
And brutally hammered,
If only to be remembered;

By you, the only one I care,
You that made my life just fair,
You who was always there,
Giving me that lovely stare.

Instax mini 7s

2008-09-06T08:43:00.000-07:00

Got my Instax mini 7s. w00t.

The Box.

Instax mini 7s

and here are some pics

miLo and HooiGee

HooiGee and Joshua

Kathy

Mr.Kah Wai

That's all for now. Will upload more later.

When will life come full circle?

2008-09-04T13:20:00.000-07:00

life is so short and fragile.

even if you don't get hit by tsunami or some earthquake or another, there's always cancer or some heart attack.

:(

make peace with your loved ones.
in the end it's not about how much money you earn, your net earning or even your appraisal points.

it's not about which trendy person you hung out with over the weekend at which posh bar.

live your life the way you want to live it, with no regrets. my dad always says, you can do whatever you want, as long as your conscience is clear.

i am living it now, i hope. after going a whole huge circle, i think I'm finally approaching the path.

life is just so fragile.

Last Day

2008-04-01T05:30:00.000-07:00

Today is the last day of my teenage years. 19 to be exact. Tomorrow i'll be entering the horrifying year of adulthood. "20" FOR FUCK SAKE! I cant help it but to think that I am acutally getting old. No more Lil joshy or ken boy for me. No more " mami,can i have money for cookies?". I have to start working and earn my own money now. Have to grow up and start thinking about my future and others. I cannot take life for granted. Oh,FUCK! I seriously have no clue on what to do next. Help?
AH,fuck it. I'm just gonna live life to the fullest and do what i do best. Fuck regular life I would say.

Anways,tomorrow I'll be celebrating my bday at indulgence with my baby and Justin. Pics will be up on the next post. Tonight I'll be hitting Imax once again.

I wonder how many people will wish me this year. =/

Gonna go for dinner now. So yeah, Fuck off people.

1st day

2008-03-24T23:18:00.000-07:00

This is my 1st day blogging here. I say, compare to multiply. Both are the same. Nothing special. The reason why I am doing this is cause I am uber bored at home. So I got to play with my phone, and I found out that I could actually upload pictures to Flickr. Cool right? I know. While uploading some pictures, it suggested me to get a blog as well. Something to do "blog on the run". So yeah, this is how i end up blogging here. Well, if you do notice. They both have the same name.

Been going to Imax almost everyday lately. I am fucking addicted to Call Of Duty 4. Have to play it at least twice a week and minimum 4hrs each time. Can't wait to get my hands on the original copy. At that time, I can play online. " Oorah" Basically this is how I got myself in trouble a couple of times. GF can't seems to forgive me about it. I totally understand why. I ditched her on the day she came back from her 3days-fucking-camp for COD4. unforgivable right? I know. I am sorry baby.
I will review the game in the next few post, when i get the original copy.

P.S. Don't expect me to blog/update regularly. As I am fucking lazy.